Learning To Fly (Is Like Falling remix)
Remix Author: luzdeestrellas
Original Story: Symbiosis by Dana Woods
Summary: Only a fool walks away from what he wants
Rating: PG
Fandom: Firefly
Spoilers: For Serenity the movie
Kaylee buys River -- she ain't rightly sure what she buys River. She knows it's shiny, and sharp, and she likes to think it was made with a lot of love. Wash only looks bemused when she shows it to him; for a moment he looks like maybe he'd like to put the nature of the thing up for public vote in the middle of the market, but he only says, "It's sharp and dangerous. You'll be her hero."
Kaylee don't much think she has any chance of replacing Simon in that department, but she buys it anyway, 'cause River ain't had a whole lot to smile about lately.
Then she links her arm through Wash's, 'cause it's easier to lead him in the direction of all those pretty dresses if she does. She thinks some of them are almost as nice as the one the Captain bought her, but Wash looks a funny shade of green -- little like Kaylee imagines she looked on the swings earlier.
Still, she'd stay a while, get him to help him pick out one she could buy if she had the money, but Captain's getting mighty impatient looking, so they move away from the stall to follow him, although neither of them speed up any.
Wash watches the Cap'n as he walks, with that look that means he's thinking about something deep. Kaylee watches, too, but she don't imagine Wash is thinking how very much he really is Captain Tightpants. Ain't long before he tells her what he is thinking, though. Wants to walk like Mal, like he owns a planet. Wants a hero's walk, as though a walk ever made a hero. Kaylee don't say he don't need a walk – already got the heart of a hero, which is more than can be said for most people. She ain't sure he'd believe her, so she says, "You went back in there, Wash."
She don't say Niska's name, 'cause she might not believe in any of her mama's superstitions, but Niska's one of the few really evil men she's ever known, and she ain't about to risk naming him if she don't have to. "After everything that happened, you went back. That takes a certain kind of walk." And Wash smiles.
"Kinda like the way you didn't stay on the floor of the engine room," he says, and Kaylee looks away. Weren't nothing heroic about that; Mal or Zoe or Wash wouldn't never have found themselves on the floor in the first place, and it's that, more than the feel of Early's breath on her face, or the feel of his tape on her skin that keeps her tossing and turning at night, keeps sleep away. She let River down, and she let Serenity down, but mostly she let the Captain down, and he don't even seem to mind.
"Sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about," she says, and Wash only looks at her, like he understands, and maybe, a little, like he don't think she let anyone down.
"We both know that's not true," he says, smiling at her. "Told me more than a few helpful things in my time." Kaylee blushes a little, 'cause it don't look like he's forgotten what she told him all them years ago yet, but she takes his hand as he says, "Let's walk the walk, tiny mechanic woman."
They flounce up to Mal together, and Wash grins as the Captain separates them; Kaylee thinks Wash has the smile of a hero, too. She don't say that, neither, because that's what he's got Zoe for, and Kaylee knows Zoe sees it just fine, 'cause she's seen the way she smiles back at him.
Kinda like the way Kaylee knows she smiles at the Captain, sometimes, when he's bringing her engine parts, or when he's telling her she ain't got no call to be afraid so long as he's around. Kinda like the way she smiles back at him now, as he says, "You about ready to get my ship in the air again?" and she knows he means her time of being sorry for herself is at an end. She catches Wash smiling, too, knows he sees more than everyone else does, and thinks that maybe all of them are heroes when they're together – Simon and River and Wash and Zoe and Book and Inara, even Jayne on his good days. Even her, when she feels Serenity hum to life 'cause of her. And 'course the Captain. Captain most of all, but that's another secret she'll keep to herself.
She catches hold of his hand and he curls his fingers round hers and squeezes. "Okay?" he asks, and she nods.
"Everyone's okay," she says, and for the first time since Wash and Zoe came back without him, she believes it.
***
They ain't okay for long, though. Now she wakes from dreams of smiles that slip away, vanish round corners and are always out of reach.
Everything is off balance, like they're flying without a rudder. There are shadows where there oughtn't be any --shapes in odd places on Serenity's walls, 'cause she's put together a little different now, shadows in Zoe's eyes, and in her smile, 'cause she's too broke up to hide it. There ain't nobody to smile back at her now, and where the shadows are, the emptiness follows. Spaces in the conversation, places at the dinner table, Serenity's corridors silent with no laughter to fill them.
Only thing to fill the silence are sounds where there weren't before, rumblings and groans from her girl, and Kaylee would like to know them all, give them each a name and make them part of their home, but they all sound like loss and hurt and sadness, an awful song Kaylee don't ever think'll leave her head.
She would cry – sometimes does, just a little, as she gets the new engine parts she needs, puts the old ones away, safe for a rainy day, and thinks of all the places those parts took them, all the places they'll never go now. There ain't time for her to be sorry for herself like that, though, not when they all got to pitch in, and not when Zoe's carrying on like she is.
Got no choice but to keep going, so she does as the Captain wants, makes Serenity as whole as she can, and enjoys the tingle of warmth that shoots through her whenever Simon makes his way to her room of an evening, even while she knows it's wrong to feel it with things the way they are.
"You're allowed to be happy," he says, as his hands slide under her shirt. He's touched her like this before, that time when she got shot, but she thinks his purpose is a little different now and a lot less innocent. She don't mind a bit. It's nice to have him, with his kisses that taste of soap and cleanness and a world she ain't never been allowed in before, and his words that always mean to be sweet and end up mixed up and sounding less so. And when he lays her out on his bunk and calls her name as he loses himself, she feels like he can fill the spaces inside of her, give her something to hold to while everything else shifts.
If sometimes there's a place that lies empty and cold even after they've been together, if occasionally the smiles in her dreams belong to the Captain and not Simon, she tells herself that don't mean nothing. Just missing the Captain, is all; it's only right that he spend more time with Zoe or flying Serenity, and it'll pass.
***
"Everything passes, little Kaylee," Mal says, and Kaylee wishes he wouldn't keep being so sweet to her. She don't deserve it, but he's been real nice to her since Early came looking for River. Makes her feel even guiltier, though she knows he don't mean it to. Now he's talking some nonsense about sunshine and swings and a fair, and she only says yes because she knows saying no will bring those shadows back to his eyes, make 'em less blue than they should be.
She don't expect much from the trip, so when Mal sits her on the swing and takes hold of the bars, hand briefly touching her back, she's surprised to feel something lurch in her stomach. It ain't fear, either, like it has been for days. It's something else, something that makes her knees a little weak and her nethers feel all kinds of funny. She giggles, wondering what he'd say if she told him. Instead she says, "Push me."
He laughs, breath warm on the back of her neck. "High or low, bao bei?"
"High as you can make me go, Cap'n."
With his chin on her shoulder, so that his voice is a low purr in her ear, he says, "I can get you going pretty high. Reckon you can handle it?"
Kaylee turns to kiss his cheek, enjoying the feel of his stubble rough against her lips. She thinks she has an idea he could do other things to make her go higher, but she likes this, too, likes the wind in her hair, as though she's flying. Likes to go away from him, always to know that he'll be standing there when she swings back in, warm and safe. Her captain.
Even when Wash arrives, it's still only her and him, and the sky.
She feels sick later, so the Cap'n has to lift her off the swing, but she always remembers the way he looked at her while she rested, like maybe she was only thing in the 'verse worth having. And she holds onto the way it felt at the top of each oscillation, getting higher and higher, a promise that the world is hers, maybe. A promise that the Captain would give her as much of the world as he could, which is better.
She don't tell anybody else about the swings, likes it as their moment, but whenever she thinks of Early after that, she remembers that day, remembers the Captain always standing there to catch her.
***
She clings to that memory more after Miranda, even though she thinks she's already fallen off the swing. She tells herself she won't keep thinking on it, because there will be new memories to hold to with Simon. She keeps waiting for him to make her feel like she did that day, waiting to feel like she's flying. It never happens, and Kaylee tells herself that's all right.
Eventually things settle into a rhythm again. It's not like before, but it's comforting, all the same. Inara leaves to go back to the training house, and Kaylee misses her something fierce, but she knows it's the right thing. It ain't horrible like last time; Cap'n and Inara seem real friendly still, and he don't go around yelling at everyone in sight after she's gone, neither. Kaylee sometimes thinks maybe they talked, but she don't imagine that's like to happen with the Captain. Far more likely they just decided they weren't quite right for each other and left it at that. Kaylee's sure she should be sorry about that, and she is. She just ain't as sorry as she'd like to be.
Later River brings the sculpture Kaylee brought back from the market onto the bridge with her. She puts it beside Wash's dinosaurs, and when Zoe looks at her, she looks solemnly back.
"He didn't like this," she says. "Told Kaylee to bring it back anyway, because he was a good man. He wanted to be a hero. Couldn't be, though. Was already better than that."
Zoe smiles, looks not quite so lost, and Mal starts coming to the engine room again. Kaylee don't tell anyone how much more like home it feels when he does, but she wakes up in the morning now, and don't feel like she's apt to cry.
***
"I'm giving you the day off," the Captain says, standing behind her one afternoon.
"Why?"
"Doc wants to take you some place special."
"But, Cap'n, the transcombuster ain't been doing so well lately. I should be here." It's the first thing she can think to say, and she's grateful he don't know a thing about engines.
"You will be. We ain't like to take off without you, bao bei."
He kisses her head and puts his arm around her. "You don't think I seen how hard you been working, darlin'? Nice fella wants to take you away for the day, I ain't gonna say no."
He lets her go and starts to leave. In the doorway he stops to watch her. "You didn't ask where," he says.
"What?"
"You didn't ask where he was taking you. Or when. Seems like questions a Kaylee who was excited might normally ask."
He pauses, and she looks at the tools on the floor. "You could tell me, little Kaylee, if there was something bothering you."
She bites her lip. "It's just – I got this G-line, and it seemed like just the thing to make the C-line tick over when it was all new and shiny. 'Cept now the shine's worn off, and it don't fit so good no more."
Cap'n looks at her a second. "Seems like to me that if you want a thing to fit, darlin', you'll find a way. And if you don't, then I'll buy you a new -- whatever it is you need to fit." He turns away, and then looks back. "You understand that by 'buy' I meant I'd offer support and what not. I'm not buying you men, or anything of the sort."
"Get out," she says, laughing.
He leaves, and Kaylee tries not to think on what he said. She thinks on his smile, instead, and that's probably not quite right.
***
It turns out that Simon's plan is a picnic. They land on one of the bigger planets, not Alliance, or the Cap'n wouldn't be having it, but close enough to the centre to be pretty and safe. It's warm and sunny out, and Cap'n promises not to break Serenity while Kaylee's not around, and to look after River. River makes a face behind him, mouthing that she'll take care of him, and Kaylee wishes they were all going.
They walk through what passes for the main town, and Simon says he wishes he had money to buy her something.
"Ain't no need, Simon," she says, and he only shrugs.
"I want – River's medication costs, while I work out a combination, and there's clothes and other…things Inara suggested girls should have. But I will get you something special. Soon."
Kaylee don't know what's worse, that he thinks she would mind not getting anything, or that, for a second, she resents River.
"It's fine," she says, and Simon leads her out of the town, a little ways off, to where there's a park.
There are swings, old, paint peeled almost right off the bars, but they look safe enough, and Kaylee would rather do anything but go on them with Simon,, here and now.
Instead she runs to the grass, making it seem like a race, and they spread their picnic on the ground. It's mostly only protein supplements – luck's been better lately, but not so good they can afford much in the way of fancy food. Still, it's a change to be eating outside, and Kaylee don't mind what the food is. They talk of River, of how proud of her Simon is. Kaylee wants to say that Serenity is coming along nicely, too, and she don't doubt Simon would listen, but it don't seem quite right, somehow, not placed against River and all she's been through. So she says how cute it is the way River follows the Captain around now, mostly just for something to say.
"Little like a puppy," Simon says.
"Sweet, ain't it?"
Simon nods, something like doubt on his face. They fall silent then, so Kaylee opens the one luxury they have, the bottle of wine the Captain gave her before she left. It ain't real expensive either, she don't think, but she feels it singing in her veins, dancing under her skin, making laughter bubble up inside her. In the bright sun with the smell of grass and Simon's hand on her leg, Kaylee thinks it's almost as perfect as her world's been in a while, and she don't suppose it makes much difference if their silence ain't necessarily like the friendly ones she and the Captain sometimes have.
"We could go on the swings," Simon says, startling her. "If you want."
"Kinda full, sweetie," she says. She feels guilty for the lie, but not so much that she wants to take it back.
"In a little while?"
"I don't much feel like it. Unless you do?"
"No. Not too much of a fan of swings." He looks down at her for a moment. "The Captain says you love swings."
"I… Sometimes. Not always."
"When you're with him."
"No, just sometimes."
Simon looks away, and Kaylee looks at the sky. There's a bird flying above them, huge and dazzling in the sunlight, and even though she knows Simon and her almost came real close to the truth of things – maybe because of that – she can't help but laugh. "Look at that, Simon."
"Looks like a falcon," he says. "Dangerous, really."
"Pretty, though, ain't she?"
"Probably rip your head off in a second."
"Yeah, but look at how she flies. If I could fly like that, wouldn't be a thing in the world could keep me on the ground."
When she gets nothing but silence, she thinks back on what she's said. "Oh, Simon. Sweetie. I didn't mean… I didn't mean nothing about us."
He shakes his head. "You did, though. If you could fly like that, there wouldn't be a thing in the world would make me follow you, so we're about even. We aren't very good as a couple, are we?"
"Well," she says, smiling a little, "the sex was good."
"Yes, yes it was." And then, "I have River, and she takes up so much of my time, and maybe I wasn't fair –"
"No," she says. "Well, yeah, but I –" she looks at the grass, considers not saying anything, and then supposes she owes him it. "I do love swings."
He laughs. "I knew that. I'm very close to being a genius, you know."
They sit in silence for a while, and then Simon smiles. He holds out his hand to her as he stands. "Come on. Time to go home, I think."
She takes his hand. "We're all right?"
He nods. "We're fine, Kaylee. We'll make better friends."
***
"Wash used to have a hero thing going on, you know."
The Captain sits alone on the bridge and looks at her questioningly. "Darlin', everyone in the 'verse knew he did at one point. Course, everyone in the 'verse knew he was wrong, too. Weren't no one could fly a ship way he could, but took him long while to believe that was enough."
Kaylee moves nearer, rests her hands on his shoulders, feels his muscles tense beneath her fingers. "Almost didn't ask Zoe to marry him. Said she needed someone braver, someone could fire a gun in a pinch."
She knows Mal don't know any of this; no one but her and Wash had this secret, little bits of truth only the other knew, shared while the rest were out doing crime, and it's kinda nice to see the surprise on Mal's face. She don't often get to be the one doing the surprising, on this ship. "Said she'd never agree."
"I told her she shouldn't," he says, and she smiles.
"I told him bravest thing anyone could do would be to admit how they really felt 'bout someone. Harder'n making this ship fly, or keeping it running, or loading any of them guns. Told him anyone worth anything knowed that."
Captain's hand covers one of hers, and he says, "You got real grown up and smart while I wasn't looking, little Kaylee."
"Should've looked harder, Cap'n," she says, and then she leans in and kisses him.
He don't pull away like she expects, in fact pulls her closer, until she's sitting in his lap, and there ain't nothing between them but the thin summer clothes they're wearing. He kisses like she knew he would, like their lives might depend on it, like maybe she'll slip away if he don't keep ahold of her real tight. Kaylee thinks it's the best thing she's ever felt, better than alcohol, better than sunshine, better than both combined.
"You're just full of new things today," he says, pulling away. His eyes are a brighter blue than she thinks she's ever seen, and she wants to put that look there forever.
"Ain't you gonna tell me that I'm crew, or something?" she asks, a little dizzy, a little breathless, and a little surprised herself.
"Seems like I should, don't it? But see, you did a brave thing just then, and only a coward makes excuses in the face of that. And only a fool walks away from what he wants. So unless you got any objections –"
He slides his hands beneath her shirt, and kisses her again. Kaylee thinks of swings and flying and safety, and knows she's got it all right here.
***
Bao bei -- darling
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